I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
