I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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