It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
