Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
