Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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