I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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