I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
