I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
