i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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