Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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