weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize