Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
