put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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