I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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