Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
