your parents love me but you hate me
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
