She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
