so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Randomize
