Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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