I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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