I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
