I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
