everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's never too late to be topless.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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