I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
