I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
