Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
