Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
