Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
