I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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