I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
