my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
