pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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