just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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