woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize