YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
