My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm just crazy horny about you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
