Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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