Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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