I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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