Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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