If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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