We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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