Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
She told me I should be a condom model.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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