I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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