I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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