I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
