I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
