I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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