i just wanna soil my oats bro
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
