Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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