My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize