I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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