sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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