We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
