party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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