Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
