I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
