i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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