I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
