Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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