I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize