Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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