i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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