The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
