no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
