Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
