Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Be still, my beating vagina.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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