I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
