The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
