are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
