its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
