Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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